new begining

Today i sit here in my home completely speechless. It was not long ago when i felt as if i was the only mother who had felt such loss. On the day of Noelle's would be fourth birthday i reached out to a new found support group of women who had suffered loss just as i had. I had no idea that i could hear my same thoughts and feelings come from the lips of so many other women. In all the days after my daughters passing i had never felt so complete. Who would have known such freedom could come from meeting other Soldiers in my same war? How could i have ever imagined that a whole new world of help was right there for me in one of my biggest moments of need. In all honesty it was bitter sweet. Would it sadden God to see me finally breath a sigh of relief when embraced by the love of these women, when he had been with me since the beginning? Am i letting down my family and friends by running to the arms of those who now embraced me, when they themselves had tried to for so long? Here i was speaking to mommies just like me feeling love and support like i never had before and the thought came to me, am i doing something wrong? The reason i share this is to shine light on things that may be hard for others to admit. Sometimes even though we are being blessed with understanding and compassion by those who love us we may not know how to open up and accept that gift. In my case its not that I chose to reject one while eventually choosing another. I began to realize that it was something way bigger than that. The truth was that God knew the dimensions of the hole left behind, filling it perfectly leaving no spaces behind. I now know that back in 2006 He knew exactly what was my need, and he has everyday since then too.

I have always seen my self as someone that keeps any and all emotions on lock. Always tried to be impenetrable. Level headed, never emotional, never out of control. And that was when I was just 12 years old!!! But all kidding aside I wore my Armour everyday in the hopes of being able to defend myself at all times. I can remember so many times sitting in the pews of my church and feeling that every word that flowed from the pastors lips were bringing down the walls I had built with a powerful love and kindness, yet I could not find it in me to allow myself to be ministered to in my moment of need. I can remember being a teenager and feeling the touch of God as I lead the church in worship, yet I would swallow every knot in my throat, and tear. And I can remember the day I confronted my father at the age of sixteen, after he repeatedly abandoned me with the fact that I would no longer consider him my father, and he was to forget me as his child. I remember seeing tears well up in his eyes and me being unable to understand how he could feel such sadness and remorse for reaping what he had so painfully sown. And then I can remember shedding a tear at the words “your going to be a mommy”. Two things took my breath away that day. First was this soft sweet song being played by Noelle's Heart beat. Second was my freedom to shed such tears. I was finally touched so deep in my core that I was free to show my emotions for all to see. After that moment of pure joy, the next tears I remember were shed the day my daughter passed to be with the Lord. She taught me a very special lesson, she taught me how to reach out. It has been the biggest tool God has used to heal me, as well as use me to heal others. I understand now that allowing myself to baby step by baby step open up to all who lend me their shoulder to cry on, I am surely pleasing God. Its not about yes mom, best friend, etc you can help me through this. Its about yes Lord thank you for sending me your ministering angels in the form of so many people Its not about belittling the help loved ones try to provide, its about seeing glimpse of gods love in everyone he sends your way. This is important because once you are walking on the path to healing , you will become a lighthouse for all those who can no longer see the light for themselves. I get it now Lord. I heard your words my baby angel Noelle. All there's left to say is.... send me, I will go.

Mom

Noelle's Angel Day

Today marks the fourth angel day for my sweet baby girl Elizabeth Noelle. She was born sleeping due to the fact that i had an unknown heart condition. She gave her life and in turn granted me mine. I have often wonder what life would be like if my baby had made it. I wonder how i would have felt to hear her call me mommy. To see her lashes wet with tears. To hold her in my arms till she fell asleep. To smell her curls after a nice warm bath. But once the what ifs moment passes i look to God for support and strength. It still blows me away how he loved me through the moments where he carried the blame for Noelle's death. All the times i would fight and cry with him reminding him of how he saved Jarius' daughter and rose Lazarus from the grave, yet he could not save my child. The times i would react as any mother could have when facing such grief. He loved me. He nurtured me back from the emotional coffin i laid myself in. But today i want to remember those sweet moments i held Noelle in my arms. Her tiny feet, and tiny toes. Her soft skin, and the way she looked so peaceful in my arms. Today she celebrates her birthday in heaven as two strong mommies reminded me with tender love. My prayer is that as you read this you find strength in one small fact. You are not alone! I felt it too! I said it too! I cried like you, and i still do. There is strength in numbers, Noelle taught me that today! Happy Birthday my sweet sweet baby girl! I love you with all of me.

mom