I have always seen my self as someone that keeps any and all emotions on lock. Always tried to be impenetrable. Level headed, never emotional, never out of control. And that was when I was just 12 years old!!! But all kidding aside I wore my Armour everyday in the hopes of being able to defend myself at all times. I can remember so many times sitting in the pews of my church and feeling that every word that flowed from the pastors lips were bringing down the walls I had built with a powerful love and kindness, yet I could not find it in me to allow myself to be ministered to in my moment of need. I can remember being a teenager and feeling the touch of God as I lead the church in worship, yet I would swallow every knot in my throat, and tear. And I can remember the day I confronted my father at the age of sixteen, after he repeatedly abandoned me with the fact that I would no longer consider him my father, and he was to forget me as his child. I remember seeing tears well up in his eyes and me being unable to understand how he could feel such sadness and remorse for reaping what he had so painfully sown. And then I can remember shedding a tear at the words “your going to be a mommy”. Two things took my breath away that day. First was this soft sweet song being played by Noelle's Heart beat. Second was my freedom to shed such tears. I was finally touched so deep in my core that I was free to show my emotions for all to see. After that moment of pure joy, the next tears I remember were shed the day my daughter passed to be with the Lord. She taught me a very special lesson, she taught me how to reach out. It has been the biggest tool God has used to heal me, as well as use me to heal others. I understand now that allowing myself to baby step by baby step open up to all who lend me their shoulder to cry on, I am surely pleasing God. Its not about yes mom, best friend, etc you can help me through this. Its about yes Lord thank you for sending me your ministering angels in the form of so many people Its not about belittling the help loved ones try to provide, its about seeing glimpse of gods love in everyone he sends your way. This is important because once you are walking on the path to healing , you will become a lighthouse for all those who can no longer see the light for themselves. I get it now Lord. I heard your words my baby angel Noelle. All there's left to say is.... send me, I will go.